BY DANIEL BAIG | (Note: While this review doesnt give away anything along the lines of, say, Darth Vader tells Luke hes his father!, it is NOT spoiler-free, for as to discuss this movie in any other than an extremely vague way necessitates mention of story elements, etc. If you somehow have managed to hear absolutely nothing about the film, you might want to check back with us AFTER having seen it.)

Okay, right off the bat, just to get it out of the way: Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones (and that, by the way, is the last time in this review Im going to write all that out) is, well, ahem, light years  parsecs?  better than The Phantom Menace was.

If, upon reading that statement, you just said to yourself,

Wow! It must be truly great then, as Episode I was so wonderful its hard for me to even imagine its quality being improve upon!

then I suggest you stop reading now, as very little of what I will have to say will please you.

If, however, your response was more something along the lines of,

Well, thats not saying much, is it?

then were in complete agreement. Seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time was one of the most disappointing, dispiriting experiences I have ever had in a movie theater.

Attack Of The Clones is a huge step in the right direction. With any luck, Episode III just might actually turn out to be a good movie.

In the meantime, we have this, which is at times a laughably bad movie, and at other times a not half-bad movie.

Its title, though, is incredibly misleading. SPOILER [though really I think its George Lucas who spoils it by not living up to the movies title]: The clones attack is  well, lets just say its not exactly what you think its going to be. Really, the whole movie is actually just a big tease for  Episode III. Indeed, the very last utterance in the movie is something along the lines of, Fear I do that begun this Clone War has . . . (No guesses as to just what backwards-grammar-mangler delivers that bit of dialogue . . . .)

Instead, a far more accurate title would have been Attack Of The Cliches.

For illustration, heres the very first scene: what we remember as the Queen of Naboos gleaming ship  obviously, Detroits concept of planned obsolescence is not one which has hit the Star Wars universe; not only does Amidala use, ten years after Episode I, what appears to be the same ship she tooled around the galaxy in in Phantom Menace, but we learn that Boba Fetts ship was actually previously his old mans!  descends from the clouds and lands at the Coruscant airport (skyport?).

Next, we see Amidala (no longer Queen, the famous backwards climbing pyramidal wall of text has informed us, but now a senator  exactly the same career path taken by Hillary Rodham Clinton, the observant among you will note), garbed in her familiar from Phantom Menace ceremonial robes, which must be bad for the poor girls spine they look so heavy, descend from the ship down to the ground. Quick cut over to the side, where we see the head of Naboo security guy from the first movie lean down to talk to a curiously short-for-a-security-detail-member.

Okay, now, if at this point you dont immediately know who this guard is, and who that lady in the headdress and goofy makeup is not, then you either didnt see Episode I, or did, but really arent too bright.

So he says to Padmi (wait, youre not surprised, are you??), Well, we made it safely. It looks like our precautions were for nothing! Cut back to the ship.

Okay, now, if at this point youre not counting seconds one, two . . . until you hear a big Boom!, forget about Episode I, youve never seen another movie before.

Of course, theres a giant explosion. The next image is a guest appearance by Homer Simpson going, Doh! (Okay, just kidding.)

But seriously, this setup is so obvious. The dialogue was just overkill. The scene would have been just as  no, would have been more  effective without it.

But no time to waste before the next clichi. So this latest handmaiden decoy of Amidalas (her name, of course, being something ending in i), whose job it is to place herself in harms way (boy, would I not want that work), is lying there on the Coruscant version of tarmac; she gasps out to Padmi, with her dying breath, Ive failed you, my lady!

Huh?? What?? Excuse me?? How IDIOTIC can you get? How in the world could she be said to have failed Amidala? She did EXACTLY what she was supposed to  she took the bullet for her! Nobody in this actual situation would say this. But, of course, somebody in a bad movie in this situation would say this. And Mr. Lucas proves over and over again in Attack Of The Clones that hes never heard a hackneyed line of dialogue he didnt think deserved to be recycled.

Its not just dialogue, either. When you think of cliches of love scenes in movie, whats right at the top of the list? A darkened room with the two lovers embracing and making out in front of a fireplace, right? (Did you ever see the hysterical Top Secret!?) Well, all Ill say is, at one point during Attacks long The Courtship of Leias Father segment, a new scene begins and the first thing we see triggered long, loud, immediate guffawing from a goodly portion of the screening audience. (Of course, I realize a certain portion of the audience at this moment were fervently wishing they had brought their light sabers with them so they could dispatch those of us in the goodly portion.)

Laughter, most definitely unintended by the filmmakers, on the part of the audience was a pretty common occurrence during Attack Of The Clones.

Another example, again from the whole Secret Love part of the movie, comes when Anakin initiates the first kiss between the two kids. John Williams music has been swelling grandly on the soundtrack, of course reaching a crescendo as Hayden Christensen all of a sudden locks lips with Natalie Portman  when abruptly Padmi decides this is a bad thing, and pushes tall, dark, and one-day-soon-real-ugly away. No! she cries, and the music stops instantly too, as if the score were obeying her as well! Its like something out of an Airplane!-style comedy.

So very much of the movie is just laughably bad, especially in its first half. Indeed, a basic rule of thumb here is: the later in Attack Of The Clones a scene appears, the more likely it is to be good.

This rules out most of the budding romance scenes. Theyve just been so poorly thought out. For one thing, Anakin from his very first moment onscreen starts hitting on Amidala, tactlessly, shamelessly, and pretty much ceaselessly. She does not encourage him, at least for quite a while. Indeed, she repeatedly tells him to knock it off/give it a rest/go take a cold shower. (Okay, she doesnt tell him that last one, but she should.)

So how does she try to get him to stop this unwanted (or so she CLAIMS) attention? Why, she spends every waking moment with him, and only him, just the two of them, in progressively sexier and sexier outfits!! Oh yeah, cuz non-stop proximity, accompanied by the showing of more and more flesh, is well known as a good way to give someone the message that you want them to stop coming on to you . . . . Huh??

For example, they go on a picnic (and what happened to all her servants all of a sudden?), the pair of them and nobody else. What does she wear? A gorgeous flowing sheer gown thingy. What, has no one invented shorts and a T-shirt yet in this galaxy?

This interesting reverse psychology method she has of discouraging his crush finally ends up with the two of them, at the beginning of a new scene, sitting in a darkened room, in front of, yes, that roaring fireplace, on a love seat (!), about nine inches from each other, face to face, her in a low cut dress. And then shes shocked when they find themselves making out shortly after?

Again, the laughter in the theater  along with the ironic cheers  was pretty loud.

The attack of cliches isnt restricted to ones of a romantic nature, either.

Hows this for a novel action sequence? A cliffhanger-type CONVEYOR BELT SCENE!

The level of dumbness is pretty darn high, too. At one point Obi-Wan goes on a James Bond-type undercover mission (Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi.) to learn what in the galaxy the last word of the title is referring to. He shows up unannounced and manages without trying at all to bluff his way into a situation where characters who assume he knows all about the situation kindly, for the audience sake I presume, decide to tell him all over again anyway. They dont catch on at all to the fact that he has no idea whats going on, despite his extraordinarily high level of befuddlement. For a race capable of amazing technological achievement, theyre actually not too bright.

SPOILER Example: they tell Obi-Wan that some guy, A, placed an order for clones modeled after Jango Fett. Kenobi asks Jango, in front of one of the clone makers, if he knows this guy. Fett denies it  which is absurd, and makes no sense  and the clone maker gal doesnt seem to notice this bizarre disavowal.

So do I recommend Attack Of The Clones? Well, yeah, of course  for just about anybody thats going to be reading this review, that is. (Okay, Im not stupid. Just about anybody reading this review is either going to see it no matter what I might possibly have to say, or, more likely, already will have seen it by the time they read this.)

Exceptions: I strongly advise against taking young (note, young) children to see it, for a couple of reasons:

One, its really surprisingly violent. Yes, all the Star Wars movies are pretty violent (a whole PLANET of people got wiped out in the first one, right?), but this kind of violence is different, and new to these movies. Its much darker, because its much more personal; hence, its also much more upsetting.

One key plot development in particular will upset children, and its not worth the possible trauma to their psyches.

Two, Clones is really long. I mean really long. Its way longer than any previous Star Wars film. Little kiddies will have to be taken out for potty breaks. And theyll be bored (as in bored silly) frequently, as there are, in the first half especially, a lot of scenes of characters standing around talking about politics and stuff like parliamentary procedure. (Seriously.) (And when I also tell you that Jar Jar Binks is central to one of these discussions about parliamentary procedure . . . sadly, Im still serious.) Younguns wont be able to keep quiet for such a long stretch of time either (unless they fall asleep, which is actually a very good likelihood  or would be, were it not for the fact that the movie is often incredibly loud  Im actually thinking here mostly of the score, but a lot of the special effects are at screaming decibel levels as well.) And so theyll end up talking, and youll just end up pissing off the people around you, and ruining their movie-going experience. Which isnt fair at all; those other people paid to see the movie just like you did. Why am I writing something as obvious as this? Because in the past several years Ive been to enough movies where there have been parents in the audience, just too selfish and inconsiderate to bother with a babysitter, who just DONT care that their screaming/jabbering/running around in the aisles/etc. kids are making other people in the theater miserable. And they really dont care; its not just thoughtlessness. Because if theyre asked to do something about their noisemaking progeny, theyre either hostile, or ignore you.

Okay, hold on a sec while I climb down from this soapbox here.

Okay, thanks. Back on the ground. Anyway, Attack Of The Clones isnt for tykes.

Nor is it for people who really dont like screen violence.

And, if there happen to be any people out there whove never actually seen the other Star Wars movies, and were thinking theyd just plunge in with this one (i.e. Im thinking of you here, Kirsten Dunst)  dont. Rent the other ones first before you catch Attack Of The Clones. Youll be utterly and totally lost otherwise.

As a matter of fact, I was surprised by just how very little (as in, just about zip) reminding of Phantom Menace plot lines Lucas engages in. There are a lot of references to the specifics of the Naboo political/military struggle of Menace, and you just really have to rely on your memory. If you have no idea why the head of the Trade Confederation would want Queen (now Senator) Amidalas head on a platter, you better hit the rental store before you head on over to the movie theater.

Back to the issue of length: my saying Attack Of The Clones is very long is not meant as a complaint. I was very glad it was so long! Because the more it went on, the better it got. And by the end, it was actually almost good. And I did feel I got my moneys worth (you know what I mean; of course I saw it for free at an advance critics screening, but with all the movies I have to see, my time really is my money, so another way for me to have put this would have been to say that I felt the expenditure of my time was ultimately worth the pleasure I got out of the movie ((by its end))), which is why I do recommend it to anyone other than the just noted exceptions.

But boy, does it start out bad.

The first ?45? minutes or so are pretty dreadful for the most part. As a matter of fact, a little ways into the movie, I started to get both really angry and quite incredulous at what appeared to be the fact that George Lucas had apparently not bothered to even try and improve on the areas for which The Phantom Menace was almost universally criticized (even by its fans): howlingly bad dialogue, horribly stiff acting, and a sense that the whole thing was done primarily with eleven-year-olds in mind.

Because, at least as far as the dialogue and acting went, this was just as bad, and at times even worse, than Menace. True, none of the actors was as bad as Jake Lloyd was in the first one, but then, nobody was nine years old this time, either. (And Lloyds performance was one of the worst in the entire history of cinema, so not reaching its depths doesnt exactly confer bragging rights upon anyone.)

But experienced actors with proven talent Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Samuel L. Jackson come off as: not good (McGregor), or quite bad (Portman), or engaging in an activity which it hardly seems correct to term acting at all, but rather something more akin to, say, enthusiastically declaiming (Jackson).

And Hayden Christensen . . . Well, not having seen him in anything else before, I cant personally attest to his possession of acting ability . . .  but of course I know hes been a working, and successful, actor for years.

Yet here in Attack Of The Clones hes frequently just plain awful.

Now, when an entire cast in a big-budget film pretty much turns in performances which range from stilted and wooden, at best, to unconvincing and so-embarrassing-you-dont-know- whether-to-guffaw-or -just-avert-your-eyes- from-the-screen-in-pity, youre kind of barking up the wrong tree in blaming the poor actors. (I say poor, of course, jokingly, and not in either of its two main literal senses: I imagine McGregor and Portman are a) financially, after this second one, set for life, and so are b) by no means deserving of pity.)

Clearly, the finger of accusation must be pointed at the screenwriter and the director  who in this case are of course one-and-the-same.

Actually, it turns out Lucas did have a co-screenwriter this time around.

Phantom Menace was roundly, deservedly criticized for its designed-for-young-people [but in a bad way] feel . . . so who does Lucas go and hire to work with him on the script for the follow-up? A guy named Jonathan Hales, whos previously written . . . a handful of episodes of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. This was not the collaborator Lucas needed. Chronicles was a show created for young people, and not known for its sophisticated plotting and/or dialogue.

What Lucas really needs to do now, before a moment of Episode III is filmed  actually, before a single tree is felled to start making pages of its script  , is hire somebody like Richard LaGravenese, or Tom Stoppard, or Timberlake Wertenbaker, i.e. an experienced, gifted, good WRITER to work with him.

(Then, if he really wanted to make a truly excellent movie, hed consider hiring a co-director as well, whod concentrate solely on the performances/working with the actors, while he could handle the overall choreography.)

Portmans and Christensens scenes together are truly  or at least should be  an embarrassment to everyone involved.

Heres the thing. They exemplify what is one of the biggest reasons why Attack Of The Clones is so flawed  Lucas is struggling with creating a saga backwards. Everybody knows what has to happen, because everybody knows what eventually does happen.

And George seems to have focused most of his energies just into crossing everything preordained off of a to-do checklist, i.e. Amidala and Anakin have to fall in love and hook up, because Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have to come from somewhere.

Heres George, working on the script:

Item: The Jedi Wonder Twins parents become a couple.

Check!

Thats one down.

Next. Item: The Republic becomes an Empire.

And so on.

But when youre filming gospel, you dont bother with stuff like motivation and believability. Just as cinematic versions of the life of Jesus (The Last Temptation of Christ aside) dont need to bother with whys, it seems as if Lucas felt his obligations are completely fulfilled just by showing us the coming together of Ani & Ami. Why worry about making it believable? It happened. You know it did, because you saw Star Wars! Hey, its history, man. Its legend. Its lore. Just accept it.

So the fact that right up until ex-Princess Padmi declares her love for baby Darth  which she does because the script pages Natalie Portman was handed the night before told her she does  she displays no outward (or inward, for that matter) sign of being in love with him shouldnt bother us. Hey, dont complain  you want believable, even vaguely comprehensible teen romance? Go watch Romeo and Juliet, or Rebel Without A Cause. THESE Rebels have a cause, baby, and it doesnt leave time for niceties like recognizable progression of emotions.

Presumably one of the reasons Lucas cast Hayden was the young Canadians physical beauty  because from just about the birth of the movies as a form of popular entertainment, audiences have been trained to accept that love comes quickly for good-looking people; in other words, Christensens attractiveness is like a cheat, a crutch, used by Lucas as a substitute for actually having to come up with honest scenes and dialogue. We like seeing attractive people making love to each other. We cant wait until Nat and Hay finally lock lips. (For one thing, theyll finally shut up!)

(Of course, thanks to Christensens teen idol features, somewhere out there we now have the question floating around of how in the world does this guy become the guy we see in the final moments of Return of the Jedi. Yeah, we know hes in store for some bad physical experiences in the next installment  but how does the shape of a head go from long and narrow to round??)

You know who would have made an a LOT better Anakin? Tobey Maguire. Yeah, hes of course been otherwise engaged, and hes, at first consideration, too short  but that could have been gotten around; look at Lord of the Rings. And itd be a lot easier to accept that he grows up to look like Sebastian Shaw.

So at the expense of EVERYTHING else, we have plot. Plot rules. But George seems to have either forgotten that plot, i.e. story i.e. human events happen BECAUSE of character. Tragedy occurs because people are flawed. Change comes about because people change.

Im being overly cruel. Of course George didnt forget this. But he appears utterly unable to translate the concept into art. So, yes, he knows he has to start making Anakin turn to the Dark Side. Now, ambition, and pride, and even love, the three qualities which he has chosen as the tools for this transformation, are admirable places to start.

Ah, but! How do ambition and pride and love manifest themselves in Anakin in Attack Of The Clones? Amateurishly. Cartoonishly. ABSURDLY.

There is a massive disconnect between the three Anakins weve now met. Anakin, in his Hayden incarnation, as of yet displays zero signs of anything even remotely Darth Vader-like. And its getting a little late in the game here, folks. Interestingly, neither does he display any signs of being the same character we met in Phantom Menace! Theres nothing of that cute little moppet in this teen (and there sure as hell wasnt anything in that moppet of the genocidal monster he becomes, which was cowardice on Lucas part  true psychopaths are creepy as children as well. They do things like torture animals. Jake Lloyd just tortured the audience, unintentionally.)

Now Im not saying Anakin is still all innocence and light in Attack Of The Clones. But the negative qualities Lucas does have him display are  well, let me give some examples of his dialogue/behavior, and lets see if you pick up on what Ill be driving at:

In the very first conversation the former princess and her former little buddy have alone together, she basically says something like, So, how are things?

His response, which starts out normal, devolves rapidly  highly rapidly  provoking-laughter-in-the-audience rapidly  into him complaining that hes more advanced than Obi-Wan, but nobody appreciates him (and hes showing off for her while hes saying this, by levitating something) . . . and it ends up with him literally WHINING, Its not FAIR!! His voice actually cracks when he says it.

Later on in the movie, Padmi says to whiny-boy, Youre not all powerful. He, yes, whines back, again, with the cracking voice, Well, I should be!

THIS IS ALL HORRIBLY WRONG.

Darth Vader isnt a whiner!! Hes EVIL. Hes evil, and calmly so.

WHININESS doesnt equal future ALL POWERFUL EVIL.

The flaws Lucas has gifted Anakin with: petty pride and worry about status, insecurity clashing with poorly timed bouts of over self-confidence, lack of respect for elders, back-talking to elders, interrupting elderss conversations, sassing his teachers, seeing himself as the center of the universe, lust for a pretty girl, a relish for driving fast and recklessly  do these not sound familiar?

Of course they do! Theyre the qualities of the average TEENAGE BOY!!!

Nine out of ten adolescent males behave in the exact same way! (And those same nine out of ten adolescent males grow out of all of it. And very, very few end up growing up and turning into Lords of the Sith.) Theres nothing Dark Side about it!!

Anakin is far less troubled and dark than, say, James Dean or Sal Mineo in Rebel Without A Cause. Or the kid in Spanking the Monkey.

My friend asked me the day after I saw the movie, So, does he turn bad in this one?

My answer: No, just petulant.

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